Building An Affair-Proof Marriage

7 Jul

If you have followed what I have posted on small care groups, it is a mini discussion amongst couples on some of the most important concepts and tools to help us enrich our marriage. 

Here’s the second CG Bites we are discussing this quarter: His Needs, Her Needs – Building An Affair-Proof Marriage, taken from the best-selling book authored by marriage counseling expert, Dr. Willard F. Harley Jr.

The concept is hinged on the idea of being aware, to understand, appreciate and to meet our spouse’s needs to reduce marital conflict and avoid the risk of an affair in our marriage.

The key to meeting our needs lies in our Love Bank: it is an inner scoring device we never knew we had.

The Love Bank underscores that we affect each other emotionally after every encounter; be it pleasurable or painful. 

The accumulation of positive and negative experiences determines our emotional reaction to those we know. We are not actively aware of this but the love units keep coming in or going out, withdrawn or deposited, and keeping scores.

There were promises we made that we only allow our spouse the exclusive right to meet our most important needs, and these needs are strictly reserved for the marriage bond.  

If these needs are not met in our marriage, then we face the powerful temptation to fill it outside of marriage, and enter into an affair, even though we may have very strong moral, ethical, or religious convictions. 

It takes skill and practice to be aware and to learn to meet each other’s needs. 

According to Dr. Harley, in order of its importance, here are man’s most important needs:

  1. Sexual fulfillment
  2. Recreational companionship
  3. An attractive spouse
  4. Domestic support
  5. Admiration

In the order of its importance, the woman’s basic needs in marriage tends to be:

  1. Affection
  2. Conversation
  3. Honesty and openness
  4. Financial support
  5. Family commitment

Married couples like us need to be aware of this most important principle. We need to be less incompatible and be more irresistible to each other. 

We need to PUT IN the effort, AND put our effort in the RIGHT PLACES.

Let us examine how to become more irresistible. 

The Irresistible Husband:

  1. Affection. The husband tells his wife that he loves her with words, cards, flowers, gifts, and common courtesies. He hugs and kisses her many times each day, creating an environment of affection that clearly and repeatedly expresses his love for her.
  2. Conversation. He sets aside time everyday to talk to her. They may talk about events in their lives, their children, their feelings or their plans. The topic is never judgmental, always informative and constructive. She talks to him as much as she would like, and he responds with interest. He is never too busy to “just talk”.  
  3. Honesty and Openness. He tells her everything about himself, leaving nothing out that might later surprise her. He describes his positive and negative feelings, events of his past, his daily schedule and his plans for the future. He never leaves her with a false impression and is truthful about his thoughts, feelings, intentions and behavior.
  4. Financial Support. He assumes the responsibility to house, feed and clothe the family. If his income is insufficient to provide essential support, he resolves the problem by upgrading his skills to increase his salary. He does not work long hours, keeping himself from his wife and his family, but is able to provide necessary support by working sufficient hours. While he encourages his wife to pursue a career, he does not depend on her salary for family living expenses.
  5. Family Commitment. He commits sufficient time and energy to the moral and educational development of the children. He reads to them, engages in sports with them, and takes them on frequent outings. he reads books and attends lectures with his wife on the subject of parenting and child development so that they will do a good job training the children. They discuss methods and objectives until they agree. He does not proceed with any plan of training discipline without her approval. He recognizes that his care of children is critically important to her.

The Irresistible Wife:

  1. Sexual Fulfillment. The wife meets this need by becoming a terrific sexual partner. She studies her own sexual response to recognize and understand what brings out the best in her; then she shares this information with him, and together they learn to have a sexual relationship that both find repeatedly satisfying and enjoyable.
  2. Recreational CompanionshipShe develops an interest in the recreational activities he enjoys most and tries to become proficient at them. If she finds she cannot enjoy them, she encourages him to consider other activities that they can enjoy together. She becomes his favorite recreational companion, and he associates her with his most enjoyable moments of relaxation.
  3. Physical Attractiveness. She keeps herself physically fit with diet and exercise, and she wears her hair, make up and clothes in a way that he finds her attractive and tasteful. He is attracted to her in private and proud of her in public.
  4. Domestic Support.  She creates a home that offers him a refuge from the stresses of life. She manages the household responsibilities in a way that encourages him to spend time at home enjoying his family.  
  5. Admiration. She understands and appreciates him more than anyone else. She reminds him of his value and achievements and helps him maintain self-confidence. She avoids criticizing him. She is proud of him, not out of duty, but from a profound respect for the man she chose to marry.

Our society needs to train people on meeting the needs of others, especially our marriage partner. If you need to make your married life a priority, let’s start!

Let us be irresistible! Are you incompatible or are you irresistible???

Blogger’s Note: If you want to learn how to become irresistible to your spouse, you may want to read the book His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. Willard F. Harley Jr. and discover in detail how identifying and meeting your most important need will deepen your love and desire for each other.

Life is Amazing!


One Response to “Building An Affair-Proof Marriage”

  1. TolethaJDixon October 27, 2014 at 1:21 am #

    A must read!

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